Four years and one week ago this past Thursday I went on my first date with my future husband. Like you, like anyone; the things I know how to do the best are those I learned from my own experience. This is my experience about dating, how I met, and landed my husband and what worked for ME.
To tell this story correctly, I’ll need to go back to the beginning, to how we got to this first date. So I had just gotten out of very serious long term live-in relationship. Needless to say I was heartbroken, after being single for many months I decided (as I often do to tackle most of life’s hurdles) that I needed to come up with a plan of attack.
1. Make a Change: Take the First Step
My Dad who had become a widower the year prior had recently started dating online; he highly recommended it to me, he had found great success online dating with the online dating service Lavalife
. So I took the first step, I put myself out there and posted an online profile
2. Do your research
Another recommendation from Dad was to read Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray
But, this book was missing two elements. The first of these elements was how to figure out exactly who I was as a woman and exactly what it was that I was looking for in a man. I needed to determine my own definition of Mr. Right, what kind of a guy did I want, what was I looking for?
The second element was, I needed more information about online dating from a source I trusted, I needed a second book. If you know me personally you’d know that there’s only very few people I trust for advice other than my Father. The first person that came to mind: Oprah! Ok, I know all the hype, and that she herself is not an expert
3. Date
Now I had a plan of how to date, and I had a platform to find dates, now I needed to actually GO ON A DATE. So I did, I went on many dates with many different guys, determined to practise out my new techniques about how to know what I was looking for, how to put my best foot forward and how to behave during the dating process.
I can honestly say that I never experienced any horror stories with online dating, I never met any creeps. Yes, there were dates that I wished were shorter than others, but all in all it was good dating experience. I think I went out about 10 first dates with different guys; there were probably only 3 that I went on more than one date with prior to meeting my husband. I kept my eyes peeled for those tell tale signs, I knew pretty quickly if the guy I was on a date with had to offer what I was looking for, and if we shared a spark.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.” -Benjamin Franklin
4. Never settle for less
The biggest thing my husband has taught me about love is to never settle for less. Before I met him I thought my expectations may be too high, when I met him I realized I had the right expectations, but just had been dating the wrong men.
“High expectations are the key to everything”. –Sam Walton
I tell all my single girlfriends, you deserve exactly what it is you are looking for, hold out for it. If you’re wasting your time with someone that isn’t who you want for yourself then the guy you’re with is taking up room in your life. When I say the guy you want for yourself, I mean the guy you ULTIMATLY want for yourself, THEE GUY. If you want to get married then you need to be looking for Mr. Forever, not the guy you want for yourself at this moment your life (Mr. Right Now).
How can you meet the guy you deserve if you’re with someone else?
I truly believe that you NEED to be available when the guy you deserve comes along. It is my advice to single women everywhere not to waste time with place holder guys, they simply take up space in your life, valuable space meant for someone else.
5. Find a man with his light on
As the brilliantly sarcastic Miranda Hobbes (fictional character from of Sex and the City) once said:
“Men are like taxi cabs -if their light is on, they are available …. But if their light is off, no amount of waiting, waving, or jumping up and down will make them stop for you. It’s all about timing and placement.”
If your ultimate relationship goal is marriage, then this part applies particularly to you.{I will write a little disclaimer here stating that I do indeed completely respect those of you who opt to cohabitate without the ultimate goal of marriage, those of you who feel that a marriage license is nothing but a piece of paper, that’s your choice.}
For me, marriage was very important; it was MY ultimate relationship goal. It wasn’t the dress or the flowers (although I did love my wedding dress and flowers) it was the marriage, that piece of paper held meaning for me. I wanted what I believed my parents shared, I wanted the life, the everyday stuff that a marriage is composed of.
If marriage is your ultimate relationship goal, to get there you must find a man with his light on. Marriage needs to be a priority for him, this should be clear within the first couple of dates, if it isn’t clear by date three, ask. You don’t have to propose marriage; I don’t see anything wrong with simply asking, can you picture yourself getting married one day, if yes then at what point?
Before hubby and I even went on our first date, I knew that marriage was important to him.
I know what you’re thinking now… and the answer is no. I don’t believe that you can turn a man’s light on (you may be able to turn HIM on, but turning HIS LIGHT on is a whole other thing 
). This is something fundamental that I believe is very difficult TO CHANGE. For me, I didn’t want a man that I felt I needed to change; I wanted someone with the same priorities from the get go. This is all part of knowing what you’re looking for.
6. Close the deal
You know what you want and who you want, you’ve found him, you want to marry him, and he wants to marry you. You’ve reached your destination with nothing left to do but set the date.
What makes me an expert? I’m not, however I am a very happily married woman who is an expert on her own experience.
What’s your story? What worked for you? How did you land your other half?
I’m a self proclaimed recipe maven, wine enthusiast and above all a loving wife. To learn more about me please visit my about page or, follow me on twitter. If you have a question, comment or suggestions feel free to contact me. Thanks for stopping by.
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Thank you for your candidness with your blog. I recently got married after knowing my husband for a little over a year & although I had dated beforehand & thought I had found “true love” on different occasions the difference this time was my husband had his “light on” when we met. The funny thing is my light was not on because I was recovering from a huge career disappointment & had thrown myself like a madwoman into picking up the pieces. As mentioned in your most recent blog I stood tall & let the dust settle where it may. I found my motivation in knowing I had survived many smaller falls and could move forward a step at a time. The beauty is with patience & perseverance my light was turned on by this amazing man who came out of nowhere when I wasn’t looking. I offer my brief story as a reminder that sometimes love really does come when we are not looking. Thank you again.
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
February 1, 2010 at 8:05 PM
Catharine,
Thanks so much for your feedback. My husband and I were only together for 10 months when we got married… I do believe that when you know, you know. It’s true that love can come completely by surprise, and completely off schedule.
Thanks for sharing your story with me, it is greatly appreciated.
Shannon
I definitely agree about holding out for what you want .. to a point, or, on some points. Like honesty, intelligence, kindness. But there are other points to compromise. In my case, level of education. I have a PhD so I was holding out for a guy with a graduate degree. When I fell in love with my B.A. educated husband, who to this day I believe is smarter and more well rounded than most of the PhDs I’ve known, I realized my criteria needed revising. A few other must-have items I compromised on: age, marital status (I swore I wouldn’t marry someone who had been divorced, oops, I married a divorcee), and facial hair. He had a moustache and I didn’t like it. But then he shaved it, just for me!
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
March 5, 2010 at 2:20 PM
Excellent point made – in your standards you should have two categories: deal breakers (or must haves) and preferences.
To me a deal breaker would be: children – I want them he must want them also, or things less concrete like the way he treats me, how he feels about marriage, or the way he makes me feel.
SO I guess the moral is know what you want, but also know what your priorities are and when you need to adjust them.
Thanks so much for your thoughts and making this great point.
What a great post – I love your whole blog as well! I write from a girls’s view when you are single in your 30′s, and this was a nice read for me and helps on my journey of hope
Thank you!!
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
March 5, 2010 at 2:21 PM
Anne – Thank you!
I can’t wait to check out your blog.
hi i read the book mentioned above. It is an awesome and recommended book .
Twitter: jessicasideways
May 2, 2010 at 11:04 PM
It’s even harder for me to get a date simply because I am a transsexual woman and I live in Colorado (and no, I can’t move, I’m going to college here). I feel as though this singleness is a prison which I can’t seem to escape.
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..Less is More
Shannon, I love that you were so diligent about finding your mate. I agree that standards need to be high, but think some singles have high standards in unimportant areas like hair color. There’s an interesting book The Case for Settling in Marriage that I wrote about: http://wp.me/pgTZD-kE. Feel free to chime in on that discussion.
As for my own story, I’d say I had high standards but was lucky enough to meet my husband at a young age. (I was 19, and our college roomates had a failed brief relationship with one another.). We were great friends first, then it grew into a romantic relationship. We dated for five years before marriage, but I imagine if we had been older it wouldn’t have taken us as long, as we were completing college then starting our careers. The upside is that we feel we grew up together and have a great history. We had common goals and values, and loved being together. Twenty years after we met, we are still best friends. And I’d pick him again any day.
Lori Lowe´s last blog ..Do You Kiss Your Spouse Like You Mean It?