Do you live everyday questioning whether your marriage will end? Or do you live everyday as if your marriage will last forever?
If you do conduct each day as if your marriage is for eternity, does that mean you take your marriage for granted? Or if you are constantly evaluating the state of your marriage, are you pessimistic about your relationship?
These are some questions that have been brought to my attention recently; I was surprised by my own answers.
I read many blogs each and everyday. My Google Reader is constantly filled with new incites, wisdom, pieces of advice, observations and experiences shared.
I was recently inspired by a thread of posts that provided some commentary about how the environment in which you were raised can inspire the way you view the institution of marriage as a whole.
It started with a post from Kathleen, explaining that the way she was raised meant that divorce has never been an option to her, her culture raised the stakes on divorce, making it so taboo that couples had to make their marriage work to avoid becoming an outcast in their community.
Next was a follow-up post from Mrs. Levine, where she talked about being raised in a family rampant with divorce. She had never seen an example of a successful marriage, never mind a marriage that goes the distance. Most distinctively, Mrs. Levine was raised with the distinct fundamental understanding that forever marriages simply don’t occur.
The frankness that came from these two women was profound; this thread left me filled with many questions.
After much contemplation, I can’t help but feel as though I’m somewhere in the middle…
When I married, I married with forever in mind; the I’ll love you for forever and a day type of marriage.
If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you. – Winnie the Pooh
I never thought in my own lifetime that I would ever be able to say that I was raised around anything BUT the premise that marriages are forever.
Then when I was 21 my mother died, although my parents were married for 32 years, it wasn’t forever… It was 32 years, period, end of story and an abrupt end at that.
Then I thought, my Dad would never find love again, Mom was his person, his other-half, his everything. I believed that if he ever married again it would be to someone he mostly liked and could tolerate… most of the time.
I believed that if he did find someone he wanted to marry, he would marry her for companionship, it wouldn’t be the I love you till forever type of marriage, it would be the you’re here and I don’t want to die alone type of marriage.
Then he got married again… it wasn’t at all what I thought. He met his match, found love, he found happiness and dare I say from my perspective, he found someone who is even better suited for him than my mother ever was.
What I realized is that, people can love each other, do their best, be happy and make it work. People can find what feels like forever and for a rare few, they will be married forever and a day.
But what it comes down to is this, things happen and marriages end. People divorce, people die and life goes on. It’s not whether you believe in forever, it’s whether you trust yourself enough to cope whenever forever comes to an end.
You can believe in forever, hope for forever, build your life around forever but reality dictates that life does not promise forever.
What have I learned from all this?
Build your marriage to persevere, with forever in mind…
But love like each day may be your last together, never take it for granted…
And live with the faith that you have the capacity to continue if life puts a period where you never expected.
Thanks to Kathleen and Mrs. Levine for the thought provoking content, thanks to my Daddy and his lovely wife for inspiring me to believe that love is always meant to bring out your very best.
Above all, thank you to my husband for being brave enough to promise me forever, in spite of an upbringing which dictated everything but.
I’m a self proclaimed recipe maven, wine enthusiast and above all a loving wife. To learn more about me please visit my about page or, follow me on twitter. If you have a question, comment or suggestions feel free to contact me. Thanks for stopping by.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
“It’s not whether you believe in forever, it’s whether you trust yourself enough to cope whenever forever comes to an end.”
This is really true, and sad. Very nice post, Shannon.
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
March 22, 2010 at 9:08 PM
Thanks so much Stephanie for your kind words!
A coworker of mine is going thru a divorce at 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t her calling to quit. Anyhow, my other coworker says, “she is brave to get a divorce’. I told her she doesn’t have much choice since her husband walked out.
The coworker who said she is brave, comes from an Indian family. She tells me all the time that it is very hard to divorce because both families interject to keep them together. But they also have an arranged marriage. I think it makes a difference, not only for family, but for financial reasons; as the marriage is more of an extended unit than a typical American me & you relationship.
Christine ´s last blog ..Traveling with Teens/Tweens
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
March 22, 2010 at 9:09 PM
I can’t even conceive of what going through a divorce when your 8 months pregnant!
My heart goes out to your friend.
Lovely post, Shannon. I think you come to some fabulous conclusions. I especially think it’s key — though not often talked about — that we ought to
“live with the faith that [we] have the capacity to continue if life puts a period where you never expected.” Beautifully (though tragically) written.
Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..Objection #5 to Early Marriage: Unrealistic Expectations
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
March 22, 2010 at 9:10 PM
Thanks Kathleen,
What a compliment! That means a lot.
I LOVE that Winne the Poo quote
Shannon of ** Happiness Is…**´s last blog ..Colcannon
Twitter: Mrs_Shannon_O
March 22, 2010 at 9:11 PM
It’s one of my favs! I even have it written in my wedding album.
Twitter: mrs_levine
March 23, 2010 at 12:46 AM
I think what no one wants to tells us when we are little girls is:
1) We change
2) There isn’t a one and only “one”
Your mom may have been your father’s better match at the start of those thirty-two years. They changed. He’s found someone who may be a better match now. And though it’s sad, it’s also kind of wonderful.
Changing with your spouse or at least not changing against the grain of your spouse is a tough thing when you multiply it times eternity. I love that you thank your husband for promising you forever. It’s something that we should all thank our spouses and ourselves for doing. It’s very brave and truly romantic in the purest sense of the word.
Mrs. Levine´s last blog ..Spring Cleaning
Stunningly well crafted post, Shannon. Thanks for your thorough consideration and clear writing on what is always a difficult subject.
Bravo!
Scott´s last blog ..One Flesh (Part 1): Naked Without Shame
Twitter: girlluvnlife
March 24, 2010 at 12:18 PM
Shannon, I really appreciate your honesty in this article. It’s a tough subject to write about because it requires being vulnerable. You did a great job
My father died when I was 4 years old, and yet my mother has never re-married or even dated because she could never find anyone who could match up to my dad. This has always stuck with me, and I admire her for that. My husband and I married with the notion that divorce is not an option, nor can I ever imagine even THINKING about it because he is so wonderful! And yet I absolutely agree with you that we cannot afford to take our marriage for granted. That was an excellent point. Thanks so much for sharing with us your experiences and thoughts…you blessed me considerably.
Esther´s last blog ..Lessons Learned in Marriage-Part III: “Yes, Dear…”
First of all, great post!!
I married my husband thinking it’s going to be forever and it will. We both are high school sweethearts and don’t want to ever be with anyone else. We have never once double-guessed ourselves or anything like that. Both of our parents are happily in love too. I agree with you, we both are grateful for being able to end & begin our days together and take it 1 day at a time. We kiss each other every time we leave even if it’s for 10 minutes!
steph anne´s last blog ..Winner of the Chalkboard Wall Decal!
Thank you for this post! I find it refreshing to hear different perspectives on marriage and “forever”. You definitely have me thinking about my own thoughts on it, and my feelings resonate with so much of what you wrote.
Hi Shannon. I’m fairly new to reading your blog (I found it linked at Project Happily Ever After once and peek in every now and then). This post really hits home with me. I’m going on 3 years of marriage to a man I’ve been with for 9 years. Through our relationship prior to my wedding, I kept checking to see if I “felt” forever with him… whether or not he was “the one,” my “soulmate.” To say these expectations spiked my anxiety would be the understatement of the decade and it was a tough few months before the wedding while I was trying to sort through everything.
I can say I am happily married to a great man. Is he my “forever?” Nope… he’s my today. Tonight or even tomorrow, something could happen to one of us. This thought process came from my dad who told me, “I’m not trying to stay married forever, I’m trying to stay married today,” then tactfully (ha!) reminded me I could get hit by a bus when I walked outside. Is my husband my “one?” No, because I don’t believe in that concept, much like I don’t believe in “soulmates” in the sense that you should (I too hate that word) marry your soulmate. I think someone can have many people who they connect with, romantically or otherwise. So to think one person completes me doesn’t work for me.
So, do I live each day analyzing my marriage? Not anymore, but I did. Do I wonder if it’ll last forever? Often, but then I remind myself “forever” is a loaded term.
I live to be married today. Wait, let me rephrase… I CHOOSE to be married every day. That’s what I’ve learned in my almost 3 years of working through my expectations. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.