Marriage Under Stress: Do you and your spouse cope differently in times of stress?

This week I had rather life changing news at work, my entire department is being eliminated – my job will soon no longer exist.

This was to say the least shocking, stressful and scary.

In my life, I’ve had bad news before illness, death and heartbreak, but I’ve never been the recipient of bad news of this magnitude while being married.

I found myself teary-eyed at my desk wondering; do I call my husband now, do I wait till I get home to tell him, how exactly do I deliver bad news?

I didn’t quite have the privacy to do a google search for step by step instructions on how to do such a thing, I didn’t have anyone around me to ask for advice as they were all just as shocked and bewildered as I was and I didn’t even have the mental capacity to renationalize what my options were.

So, I picked up the phone and called him, the conversation went something like this:

Me: My position is being eliminated

Hubby: What? What does that mean?

Me: It means my job no longer exists.

Hubby: How can they do that? Why are they doing this? Can’t you fight it? What are your options?

These of course were all questions I was not at all prepared to answer, I was still digesting the information myself.

Me: I don’t know.

Hubby: What do you mean you know don’t know, you need to find out.

Me: I will. I can’t talk right now… I have to go.

How much can you really say in a cubicle surrounded by your coworkers and supervisor?

Hubby: Are there other jobs you can transfer to? Can you bump someone else? Will you get a severance package? When is your last day?

Me: I can’t talk right now… I have to go.

This is precisely when I burst into tears in my cubicle surrounded by my coworkers and supervisor – this of course only exasperated my husband more, he felt even more helpless.

Hubby: Are you Ok? Are you crying? Are you going to be able to drive home? Do you want me to come and get you?

Me: I’m fine… I can’t talk right now… I have to go.

At the end of the day, there he was standing my vehicle. He was worried about me and wanted to do something to make me feel better, the sentiment was lovely… he’s such a thoughtful guy; I love him more than anything.

It was on the drive home when I realized that I had made a colossal mistake.

It was 42 kilometres and 37 minutes of questions and advice that I was not at all prepared for, he’s a man and men like to collection information, think of the solution and fix it.

“A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood” – John Gray

My husband was only trying to help, which is what I asked for by calling him when I was upset. In the moment, I didn’t realize that I needed my own time to process and digest my news before I was ready to share it.

I could have used those 42 kilometres and 45 minutes (I’m a slower driver than he is) of solitude to think, digest and prepare myself to share my bad news, lesson learned.

“Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.” – Dr Phil

After all my years of reading self help books, you think my own research would have better prepared me… But all the Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus and Dr. Phil-isms in the world weren’t enough to prepare me for that day.

I guess that’s why they say experience is the greatest teacher. I learned, I know myself better and I know what not to do next time.

Here’s a great video I found where John Gray explores why men and women deal with stress differently:

How do you cope in times of stress? Have you found a good way to deliver bad news?

Tagged as: Dr Phil, John Gray, love, marriage